You were so lonely your skin (link-reveal:"ached.")[
You dragged your arms and hands through hedges, even though there was plenty of room on the (link-reveal:"sidewalk.") [
You would tuck your whole body inside a blanket on your bed, so nothing bright or un-soft would (link-reveal:"touch you.")[
You refused to go to the dining hall without headphones. You thought they made you look like you cared less about being (link-reveal:"alone.")[
Too many times you refused to go at all, in the miniscule hope of hiding what you felt everyone already [[knew|warm light in the sky]].]]]]
It’s not too dark out yet. There’s still a warm light in the sky that carries through the windows. You are lying in be as your roomate shuffles around the room.
[[Ask her if she wants to get dinner]]
[[Watch her as she leaves]]
[[Read your letter from Remy]]
[[Go to the dining hall]]
[[Eat some chips for dinner]]Outside your window, sounds of laughter grow louder and (link-reveal:"louder.")[
You see a collection of shadows on the grass bleeding into one (link-reveal:"another.")[
You figure they must be the shadows of other freshmen. You all came to the same new place at the same time, but everyone else seemed to be moving so much faster. Doing so much (link-reveal:"more.")[
You wish the world would slow down so you can catch up.]]]
Her head is bent down to her phone, probably texting the people next door she always hangs out with, asking if they're ready to eat. As soon as the door slams behind her you get up and switch off the aggressively bright ceiling [[light.|warm light in the sky]]
You walk over to your desk and pick up a letter you have been waiting to open. Another one from your cat Remy. His handwriting is suspiciously similar to your mom's, but this is a coincidence.
//Dear Eli,
You are my favorite human in the world. I miss you.
Love,
Remy//
You have to put the letter in your desk drawer with all the other Remy letters. There are too many to display at this [[point|warm light in the sky]].
As you reach over to grab your headphones, you notice that the low battery light is flashing. Oh [[well.|warm light in the sky]] Under your bed is a giant box full of snacks, the kind where there’s so many different things to choose from but you only really want a particular snack. The sour cream and onion chip ratio is extremely off at this point. You grab the last two bags of Doritos and a rice krispy treat, enough to quiet your rumbling stomach for the [[night|maybe this isn't so bad]].
Maybe this isn't so bad. Maybe it's better than trying to eat with a group of people, losing miserably at what often feels like a game of verbal tennis.
Maybe it's better than eating with someone you barely know after class, who vents their problems to you, telling you things they’ve never told anyone else.
[[You don't mind having this effect on people.]]
[[This exhausts you.]]
You want to speak, but your voice is trapped in your throat and your heart starts (link-reveal:"pounding.")[
Tomorrow. You’ll ask her [[tomorrow.|warm light in the sky]]]
You don't mind listening, being trusted. You like that people confide in you and value your insight. But isn't it strange the amount of emotional labor that strangers expect of you? Especially ones that are [[white?|maybe this isn't so bad]]
At least here in your room, you can be alone without being watched. You're also in a perfect position to prevent any new anxiety. The kind that makes you punish yourself every time you feel like you've said something weird or stupid or (link-reveal:"awkward.")[
Was hitting yourself in the face really a punishment? Maybe it was more of an attempt to beat your anxiety into submission, to force the negative thoughts back into the void they came from. To make them [[disappear.|Outside your window]]]It exhausts and frustrates you to the point where you give up trying to make friends, and decide that eating nothing but chips four days a week is a better [[ option.|at least you can be alone]]
↶↷You were so lonely your skin ached.